Arriving In Paradise

Well, it's not really Paradise, because then I'd truly be home and there'd be no tears. I've actually arrived at the next stage in grieving, the actual sadness. Sort of a mess in my head, looking back at everything with sentiment and fondness. Even if I couldn't wait to leave it all behind a month ago. Including my house. job. car.....

I remember I wanted a fresh start and now I'm thinking why? A fresh start is freakin hard work. And I already worked really hard for what I had before. 

BUT, I know it's what comes with the time of this season, it's just a little bit on freak out mode!!! AHHHH!

To be honest, some of that fondness comes from the fact that I really did have a nice home and job, and wonderful family and friends near. It's not like I was wanting to leave those things behind. I LOVED those things. I just wanted the promise of what could be. 

The reality is: what could be, could still be a while coming...

If we admit it, "what could be" can only be found if we are willing to try something new!

LIKE THIS MANGOSTEEN! Which was awesome, BTW. And I was so glad my husband brought it home to try.

This is what it looks like unscathed

You gently knead it in your hands until the harder outer surface becomes pliable, softens and can be pulled away.

Revealing the sweetest, most lovely fruit inside, that no one would've found, had they not been willing to try something new! It's amazing, if you were wondering. May this journey find me to be better than I appeared from the start...

Goodbyes

now you see me

I prefer to say goodbye one at a time, in small groups rather than a huge blowout party. I prefer to spend my last moments with a person talking about our lives and enjoying their company for this last time, "until we meet again."

I prefer my last memory to be looking at wedding photos, as we pack a box of keepsakes away from my lovely cape cod home. I prefer a final memory of us girls giggling as we deliriously stay up too tired and worn out trying to get the final kitchen pieces into a box. I prefer the memory of good friends praying over our journey and crying with us over the separation we are about to endure. I prefer a good laugh and a nice drink with intimate friends. I prefer a hug and a kind word to tell them how much they are special to me.

There are many ways to say goodbye, and I have always preferred to think "until we meet again." This dictates how I react emotionally and I assume can be misinterpreted.

I assume this way of handling goodbyes comes from deep losses in my life. The first was at age twelve, when I lost my father. Of course, it's hard to really accept and cope with such a profound emptiness in my life right when a girl needs her dad most, a preteen. The following years would prove to be a lot of wandering and avoiding relationships all together, just to keep from having to feel anymore pain. As I was sure the pain already there left room for no other. (The future would prove me wrong on that again and again)

I've since abandoned the distant life, in as much as I actually try to have relationships. Even though I am convinced myself, that I'm awkward at it, and no one else really enjoys it....another underlying issue that comes from loss.

So, I say goodbye with a hint of how much someone truly meant to ME lingering on my lips and in my actions. And just enough of an easy attitude that there's no awkwardness, if the sentiment isn't returned.

(Bear in mind this is coming from someone who had a hard time crying at my own father's funeral. Mostly because I didn't even reach the sadness yet. I was still hovering in the anger over such loss and disappointment stage. I linger in this awhile. I'm slow to move on in grieving stages. Anyone who's lived life with me through a loss, could tell you the same.)

Aloha
now you don't

Love and Loss

Most everyone can relate. Sometimes it hurts too much to love. Too much because of the loss when those you have, are gone. Death comes in so many forms. Tonight I'm reflecting on so many loves I've lost. It's quite powerful to realize how many I've loved so deeply in this lifetime already, and how more are lost from my life than left. Those who never understood how to love back, or who moved forward with life, those who hurt too much to love, and those who came to the end of their own journey of love and loss.

God sure writes a beautifully tragic story but He's the master of the climax and I can count on a happy ending this time! No doubt!

I find myself in a place where I'm viewing life in a different way than I have ever before. Some of this is because of a simple sentence spoken by a man, John Bentley, one day in June 2009. "We only have this one life, live it well" Maybe it's because my Granny died last year, and it's been 13 years since something like that's happened in my life. Some of its definitely because a man named Kris recently died and affected my family in a way only God can understand. Some of its because this 20 something, Joshua, battled cancer repeatedly for the better part of last year, and hasn't been able to experience marriage and parenthood yet. Much of it is definitely because beautiful, brave women like Anya, Jenn, Shell, Anna, Myra and others have been a part of my life these last few years. And some of it is due to others I do not have in my ife, but can hardly speak nor type some names, that pain is still great.

God has used all these events to shape my view of life, and in this moment I am sad and also quite overjoyed to be shown, that we all must seize each day, and each opportunity as a gift. I no longer want to waste my life. I didn't really even realize the extent of waste I had. But what I do know, is I want to make a difference in this Life, this World. Not for fame, because it won't be a big, massive, well publicized event. It will be individually, one moment, personal relationship, day at a time. It will be because I truly realize how little I am, how I utterly need God, and how great He absolutely is. I want others to know this, to feel this, to hear this. I will do my best to love, in spite of the loss that inevitably will come one way or another.

So, I am preparing to take a big leap. A leap of faith, and yet it's a peaceful decision. This decision will surely lead to loss, and this time it will be because of my choices, and not others moving on in life. So, for the first time I am seeing loss from the other side! It's a much truer loss than I had known. But not all will be lost, and those that I will forever remain faithful to will be in the journey with me. I can't wait to see what God has in store for Pat, I and the girls!

Be glad for us, pray for us, and if God ever makes our paths cross again, PLEASE let us make time for one another, because life is short, and we must make the most of every day He gives us!