Goodbyes

now you see me

I prefer to say goodbye one at a time, in small groups rather than a huge blowout party. I prefer to spend my last moments with a person talking about our lives and enjoying their company for this last time, "until we meet again."

I prefer my last memory to be looking at wedding photos, as we pack a box of keepsakes away from my lovely cape cod home. I prefer a final memory of us girls giggling as we deliriously stay up too tired and worn out trying to get the final kitchen pieces into a box. I prefer the memory of good friends praying over our journey and crying with us over the separation we are about to endure. I prefer a good laugh and a nice drink with intimate friends. I prefer a hug and a kind word to tell them how much they are special to me.

There are many ways to say goodbye, and I have always preferred to think "until we meet again." This dictates how I react emotionally and I assume can be misinterpreted.

I assume this way of handling goodbyes comes from deep losses in my life. The first was at age twelve, when I lost my father. Of course, it's hard to really accept and cope with such a profound emptiness in my life right when a girl needs her dad most, a preteen. The following years would prove to be a lot of wandering and avoiding relationships all together, just to keep from having to feel anymore pain. As I was sure the pain already there left room for no other. (The future would prove me wrong on that again and again)

I've since abandoned the distant life, in as much as I actually try to have relationships. Even though I am convinced myself, that I'm awkward at it, and no one else really enjoys it....another underlying issue that comes from loss.

So, I say goodbye with a hint of how much someone truly meant to ME lingering on my lips and in my actions. And just enough of an easy attitude that there's no awkwardness, if the sentiment isn't returned.

(Bear in mind this is coming from someone who had a hard time crying at my own father's funeral. Mostly because I didn't even reach the sadness yet. I was still hovering in the anger over such loss and disappointment stage. I linger in this awhile. I'm slow to move on in grieving stages. Anyone who's lived life with me through a loss, could tell you the same.)

Aloha
now you don't

Love and Loss

Most everyone can relate. Sometimes it hurts too much to love. Too much because of the loss when those you have, are gone. Death comes in so many forms. Tonight I'm reflecting on so many loves I've lost. It's quite powerful to realize how many I've loved so deeply in this lifetime already, and how more are lost from my life than left. Those who never understood how to love back, or who moved forward with life, those who hurt too much to love, and those who came to the end of their own journey of love and loss.

God sure writes a beautifully tragic story but He's the master of the climax and I can count on a happy ending this time! No doubt!

I find myself in a place where I'm viewing life in a different way than I have ever before. Some of this is because of a simple sentence spoken by a man, John Bentley, one day in June 2009. "We only have this one life, live it well" Maybe it's because my Granny died last year, and it's been 13 years since something like that's happened in my life. Some of its definitely because a man named Kris recently died and affected my family in a way only God can understand. Some of its because this 20 something, Joshua, battled cancer repeatedly for the better part of last year, and hasn't been able to experience marriage and parenthood yet. Much of it is definitely because beautiful, brave women like Anya, Jenn, Shell, Anna, Myra and others have been a part of my life these last few years. And some of it is due to others I do not have in my ife, but can hardly speak nor type some names, that pain is still great.

God has used all these events to shape my view of life, and in this moment I am sad and also quite overjoyed to be shown, that we all must seize each day, and each opportunity as a gift. I no longer want to waste my life. I didn't really even realize the extent of waste I had. But what I do know, is I want to make a difference in this Life, this World. Not for fame, because it won't be a big, massive, well publicized event. It will be individually, one moment, personal relationship, day at a time. It will be because I truly realize how little I am, how I utterly need God, and how great He absolutely is. I want others to know this, to feel this, to hear this. I will do my best to love, in spite of the loss that inevitably will come one way or another.

So, I am preparing to take a big leap. A leap of faith, and yet it's a peaceful decision. This decision will surely lead to loss, and this time it will be because of my choices, and not others moving on in life. So, for the first time I am seeing loss from the other side! It's a much truer loss than I had known. But not all will be lost, and those that I will forever remain faithful to will be in the journey with me. I can't wait to see what God has in store for Pat, I and the girls!

Be glad for us, pray for us, and if God ever makes our paths cross again, PLEASE let us make time for one another, because life is short, and we must make the most of every day He gives us!

Not an Arbitrary Date

August 31th, 2006

A deciding day! A day that marked irrevocable change! A day that brought years of weeping and longing and sorrow! And a day that began the most treasured journey in my lifetime!!!

This was the day that our first official documents were "logged-in" as being received in China, and when we were legally recognized as petitioning to adopt a child from China. We knew little about what journey was in store for us. Oh we thought it looked pretty predictable and did not see the surprises that would come down in these following years...such is the story of my life.

Today is the day that all those parents waiting for their precious, longed-for children since 8/31/2006, will see their first glimpse through a picture of their child. The first real tangible evidence that this is REALLY going to happen. They are becoming parents, some for the first time, some again. Some left the wait line to join another one, as in our case; to complete another adoption. Some were forced out of the program, because let's face it who keeps their life the same after 6 years. Many of those, fell victim to cancer, or divorce, or loss of jobs, all of which disqualifies the prospective parents.

I am so very happy to know today that although the attrition rate was HUGE, going from Thousands to mere hundreds over the years, at least 20 families stayed the course over the 6 years and are in a state of awe and wonder over the image of the precious little life they will be blessed to raise as their child today.

For all the tears and joy of life, THIS is a moment to be celebrated and I congratulate you all for your commitment to your new child. Blessings and peace to you as you walk forward in this beautiful journey.