Hold and Release

I was thinking how often I hold onto things and how hard it is to let go of it all. The guilt, the shame, the hurt, the broken heart, the dreams that never came. How much of life and time and thoughts are caught up in the idea of trying to still fix that one thing. Make it what I wished it could be.

I really like to write and even more so now that I realize I am not the Author of my own story. There's a lot of frustration that comes with that. Because I learned as a child that your life is what you make it, you can choose this or that and that determines who you'll be. This can only be true in a life without relationships. You add another person to the story (by relationship) and you have very little control and NOW the story is not only your own story. Writing helps me escape and work through my own story. Don't get me wrong, there are very beautiful parts of my story. But the truth is: I really HATE to live my story! (Although my fellow book club members can all tell you I love a good Tragedy! Why? "Because that's real, THAT I can relate to. Happy endings are easy writing, and I guess always just out of reach for me.)

My story is full of pain and sorrow. Of broken relationships, utter heartbreak, cruelty and selfishness. I hate that it's what I have to live because of the brokenness of what this world is, in opposition to what it was meant to be. That I strive to somehow FIX this brokenness through my own devise is bewildering, I know. But somehow, I manage to forget continually that the dream I have to make this life of mine, IS NOT FOR THIS LIFE. It is the dream that is for the LIFE beyond...

I know, this is sad, right? Sorrow beyond sorrow. And so I strive to hold onto what I hope for, refuse to not give up on, and still somehow gain that ability to release what is lost, and can never be. And I struggle with the wisdom to know which to do and I struggle with giving up all the control. Yet, in reality, I never truly had any control. Now did I?

"There is a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away." -unknown